Tuesday, April 03, 2007

This has been a very difficult week for us. We found out last Thursday that we were indeed expecting a baby:) I called the Dr office, and was able to get into the lab on Friday for my HCG. We try to enter this carefully as I have had 7 losses already. MY hcg on Friday was a whopping 270! Such great news. I have never even made it this far! We go through our weekend just terribly excited, telling friends and family for desperate prayer. Then to go back yesterday, and see my hcg level fall nearly 50% was heart breaking. It would of been easier if someone would of ripped my heart out. I try not to have my doubts, but sometimes you just wonder. I almost wonder why I am allowed to go through this. Am I being taught a lesson? What is it that I need to learn? What am I supposed to gleam for the loss of 8 children? Maybe its compassion, compassion for others. I am truly so blessed to have the 3 most wonderful children in the world, maybe this is to help me reach out to others in this situation and give them hope of a family through adoption. Though that doesn't feel right to me at times either as it almost makes it sound as if adoption is "2nd best" where I know its not. My children are the best and God knew that their spirit belonged in our family whether it be by adoption or birth. More prayer, more prayer, more prayer. I wish that there was some type of way to know for sure....Of course now...In my timing and maybe not in Gods. Either way I would be ok...If I knew I would never have bio children that would be fine with me, but in the meantime I feel like that proverbial donkey with the carrot in front of him...Constantly striving for a goal that you can see, hear, smell, but can never ever touch and achieve.

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